What in the..

Being yourself is the most selfish reward you can give.

I've decided to unfilter myself a bit. I care too much to not.

So, I'm updating a bunch of shit today while procrastinating on other projects. I wanted to write something public because writing something everyone can see is nice.

You know, that sharing is caring bullshit.

Well, life has been treating me well. "I can't complain." And, I don't like to either, unless asked. I've been more and more involved in work, making two lengthy trips to Long Beach and some place I had to take the 605 to get to. Almost* everything social I've done has been because of work now that I think of it. It's not bad because it's relatively my age group.

But it kinna makes me think I'm boring, lol. That's probably why my personal life is stunted.

WAIT A DAMN MINUTE:

"those juices flow, like rivers on my sheets" ...now that's a dope lyric* Back to the entry:

So yea. Let's hope some shit comes together. I'm distracted now, not that I haven't been listening to this song for the last 45min to an hour.

* - http://img14.imageshack.us/img14/249/picture14nm.png

B: you should join mafia wars so you can send me gifts
Me: like car bombs?
B: like candy cane guns, untracable cellphones, bombs cars all kinda random shit
10:27 AM
Me: I said car bombs
B: yea
B: but theres no action in the game so you dont see things being blown up
B: its a stats game
Me: on facebook?
B: yea
Me: if you die they should close your acct
Me: out of respect, ya know
B: no i dont know nigga
B: lol
Me: lmao
B: since i been killed 28 times
Me: wow, ppl must not like you biff
B: nah they have bigger mafias
B: cause out of the 80 people on my face book only 30 joined my mafia
Me: fuck yo mafia
Me: I'mma kill you and yo goons
B: if you joined the game you would be in my mafia jerk off
Me: ew, why
B: you'd have your own mafia but you'd be apart of whoever in your friends plays the games mafia
B: so you have your own and your apart of everybody elses and theyre apart of yours
B: you can attack them but they call it backstabbing your mafia
Me: awww wtf
Me: can I just continually kill you and you alone?
B: you wouldnt be strong enough
B: you could randomly sucker punch me
B: but then i'd kill you
Me: can I send your a piece of your head to everyone in the mafia
Me: can I gouge your eyes out?
B: nope
Me: wtf kinna game is this?
B: stats gin just stats
B: lol
Me: :(
10:45 AM
B: fruity pebbles time
Me: they get soggy too fast
10:56 AM
B: whatever dude youre not killing my buuuuzzzz!
B: i sang that
11:03 AM
Me: lokllllll

'Moon River' came on and I started thinking about why I like Sex and the City so much. I think it's because the artist wins. The "smart" one is pinned to the complexity she surrounds herself with daily. The princess gets a wild card. A penguin type dude. A troll - not prince charming (boo, failed on basic aesthetics).

And Samantha, she's the unabridged female. Every woman would have sex that way if we weren't ridiculed for it. She's a fantasy character. Basically, a man...and comic relief.

But also, what I found the use of Moon River in SATC to be a little ironic....just from it's use in another "big film." I don't feel the way most people do about Breakfast at Tiffany's. It's just a glamorized whore flick...like Pretty Woman. Not that I have a big problem with pussy slangers...just that they dolled the occupation up.

However, Moon River sung by Audrey Hepburn goes hard. It makes you want to get on a swing and put it on repeat for 25 minutes. So dreamy.

I want to sleep for a week.

it's not for you.

ALEXANDRA ESTEVEZ from TONE on Vimeo.

taken from http://flyasf.tumblr.com/

Inspiration may be a form of super-consciousness, or perhaps of subconsciousness I wouldn't know. But I am sure it is the antithesis of self-consciousness.
-Aaron Copland



a: ...but you'll get no pussy
b: I say, fuck it.

December 16th was the anniversary of my dad's death. My granddad called me a day after and reminded me. I guess he drove by the house in the off chance that I'd be there. I'm gussing he wanted to pick me up to go to my the cemetery.

My dad was an incredible human being, although sick for a majority of the wonder years, I love him dearly. I'd never call anyone else dad (sorry mom), just out of respect.

I never really visited his grave though... besides the funeral and my grandmother's funeral (same spot, cremated). I always thought he wasn't really there. It was the same situation with the hospital.

I want to go though, just to do it replace the flowers and maybe to feel some relief. I guess I'm also confused because I don't know how to feel at all. People want there actions to mean so much and I don't feel it'd mean anything. I'd want it to mean something for my father, but I feel he's omnipresent.

I like the album version better. I didn't even remember the video so it's brand new to me, had to post it.

I LOVE 'From the Bottom Up,' nobody knows what I'm talking about when I mention it though - only Des (maybe Ash?). I know the lyrics to almost every song on there, my sister used to get so annoyed when I'd play it. It's kinna like 'A Life in the Day of Benjamin André' in that respect. I'd have these tracks on repeat and lay near right under the stereo. It was great lol.

You know one thing though, they have have really big mouths. I used to think that was the reason they sung so well when I was younger. Like, forreal lol. There's a picture in the cd booklet (other than the cover.. I think) where they're all sitting around singing, and all their shits are just abnormally wide. You can see it in the video too. Flounders, alla them.

*from their single "If You Love Me"
( some treasures from the 90's below )

We're releasing a mixtape soon, but I think I may put one of my own playlists up here for download. It'd just be a good collection of music... on some type of vibe (iono yet).

If interested let me know. I already owe 2 ppl some sort of music collection. 2 birds with 1 stone.

The Human Condition is defined by the following three paradoxes:

1. Human imagination can take them anywhere, dragging their physical bodies along.
2. Humans are capable of the kindest, most noble things, but are also capable of the most horrible and terrifying things.
3. Humans hope for everlasting life, but are always inventing new ways to destroy each other.

...it inspired me.

I miss my violin. I miss having lessons and practicing. The concerts and seeing other violinists was also amazing. I remember going to this spot near the La Brea tar pits with my mother. We seen a concert with this female violinist. She had long red hair and played beautifully - almost too light, but thoroughly enjoyed.

Now the video above... the movie and dude's performance was DUH-MAZING. That scene where he's fucking this chick and playing simultaneously is damn near burned into my memory lol. I saw a screening of the movie when it came out and I was younger so I used to look down when a sex scene came up, lol. However, I was always glued to that scene - just...glued.



I think the dramatics in he movie made me determined to learn vibrato, which I'm slipping up on now. I have to learn it again. I want to learn the piano as well. I can't sing for shit and it's the only thing I can really do, ha. Later on cello & bass would be great too...

I've been reflecting on this movie a lot. Someone asked me to recommend them a good movie to watch and this was it, Slam - came out in 1998. I memorized this poem after seeing the movie and looking up the words... then just having it resonate. I was young, depressed and I believe either... Mr. Fantroy or a Filipino teacher (difficult last name, starts with Pam..man g... lol) played this in class. Both exceptional human beings, love those guys.

Anyways, I've been writing this blog and thinking about the very last scene of the movie. I can't find it on youtube but it's perfect.

You know the most important thing or gift you can get from art is an idea. Slam is filled with ideas. That's what I'm tryna to fill myself up with now.

I was so sad this morning cause I had to take the bus again. It's funny just how I felt caged. Caged by problems, situations and circumstance. I walked to bus trying to relieve myself. I want to be sad and I want to cry and I want to feel weak ..so that I can be stronger. I just recycle it all so I can give myself more purpose. You feel the weight of your troubles, wake up the next day knowing you've already let it go emotionally - now you just gotta grind. Keep it moving. When I feel stuck that's all I can do next. Being crazy analytical helps in that aspect.

Think. Plan. GO.

I feel like going through my favorites on Flickr every time I want to express my current feeling.

I'm trying to go forward and have a plan like a good guy told me. I wanted to give myself time to be sad. However, it's still ongoing and the same thoughts keep coming back. Prolonged odd feelings.

Right now, I'm constantly being asked, "are you sure?" So many what if's and I've begun to question my plan. The car collision caused a series of cracks in my life basically...

Do you have health insurance?
What if you got hurt?
You don't get paid enough Gintel.
How much are you worth?
Why are you letting them take advantage of you?
You can't afford to live like this.
Do they really care about you, what if they treat you like Sha?*

I feel like letting out a huge sigh after just typing that, that's all my mom. I think I'm just not supposed to be set right now. I'm 21, right now is my rough period where I do have to struggle and get myself situated.

I especially think it's misconstrued because this is an art field. Very competitive. She wants me to go back to school like a degree will guarantee a job when it doesn't. I explained this and sure, there's academia bias - but your portfolio and experience trumps all.

Then again - I don't wanna be made a fool of and I really HOPE they know the value. Some comments I've heard have made me unsure if they even know what's fair. It's back it forth, unclear - bullshit, basically.

I swear I can write a book on internships to paid positions now.


* - Side Gallery Owner (who threatened to blackball me out the 'underground scene' - but said I'm like a sister to him..yea)

on another note: I know a lil' freak down in Hollywood, sucks on dick, does it real good...I long dick her like UGH. UGH. UGH.

and I'mma call her JJ, cause that shit was DY-NO-MITE

*drops mic* lol j/k...see how hard it is for me to stay sad for a minute?

2 steps back, gets worse before it gets better.

funny how certain songs remind you of people...

Confidence is hilarious. You can quote me on that lol.

Juggling 5 projects right now.

*puts my site on backburner*

You know, I really need a personal office. I just want a loooooong desk with cute shit on it, drawing (cartoon and realistic) books, typography books, iconography, a place for my old sketch books, magazines, good books..

...yea.

That's all I've been thinking about all weekend. A nice desk space. And I really haven't been getting much done because my mind goes right back to it.

I will today. I gotta balance out all the bad shit that happened already.

News of stroke, my sister got locked out her apartment (but my library card came in handy), then I passed a crash on the 110N. The guy was standing out the car looking dumbfounded while an older lady looked gone and was leanin' slightly out the window. I turned towards it for a second and got super tense and kinna turned up my radio to keep myself from thinking and wondering.

Iono my friend says I'm pretty solid when I see things like that - like I'm just like "oh" - very unemotional, he jokes about it lol. I just can't stand to dwell. Being very quiet from when my dad got sick, it's how I learned to deal with things without being a mess. Like I could think about the family and all but it wouldn't really help anything. And I remember hating when people gave me condolences for my dad. It just elicits a feeling like they know I feel a certain way about it, when I'm just trying to keep it together. I'm not a super RIP person when celebs or whomever dies for that reason. Basically, I'm a bad person to talk to when someone dies lol. Although I'll dealt with all that I still have an odd feeling about death in general where it's not quite normal, I think. I don't know how I should feel and seeing that this morning brought out this workworkwork/ignoreignoreignore vibe.

I just propelled myself to work and write all the write ups I have to do. I was just driving, thinking about all the shit I haven't done. Like wow...and you're not doing shit right now. I haven't really impressed myself in a long time lol.

Good that I think about it before my optimism officially blinds me. But it's weird that I'm halting tense thoughts and working so I can ignore it.

Cheap Monday


Irregular Choice


Urban Outfitters (kinna whatever on this, I just want a shirt or jacket with strong shoulders...still looking...may make it myself)


Sorry, forgot brand...but it's on Need Supply (too lazy to look)


AA


AA*


Top Shop


Aldo


*Let me just say that this fits GREAT. I have a leotard that's basically the same style... one of my favorite pieces.

ALSO, I really love these Alexander McQueen boots but I don't wanna tease myself like that. It's cruel.

Too concentrated on problems, we overlook solutions. Chasing a feeling and not allowing yourself to detail that feeling in small things. It doesn't look a certain way and you couldn't possibly imagine it.

Why are you so afraid of the next day, Gintel? What do you need, and why aren't you finding it in yourself?

You can do it without anyone.

Seek no truth in the next man, their eyes are gilded with ego.

Full.

fuck the other side they jealous - we got a table full of broads, they got a table full of fellas...