What in the..

I've been reflecting on this movie a lot. Someone asked me to recommend them a good movie to watch and this was it, Slam - came out in 1998. I memorized this poem after seeing the movie and looking up the words... then just having it resonate. I was young, depressed and I believe either... Mr. Fantroy or a Filipino teacher (difficult last name, starts with Pam..man g... lol) played this in class. Both exceptional human beings, love those guys.

Anyways, I've been writing this blog and thinking about the very last scene of the movie. I can't find it on youtube but it's perfect.

You know the most important thing or gift you can get from art is an idea. Slam is filled with ideas. That's what I'm tryna to fill myself up with now.

I was so sad this morning cause I had to take the bus again. It's funny just how I felt caged. Caged by problems, situations and circumstance. I walked to bus trying to relieve myself. I want to be sad and I want to cry and I want to feel weak ..so that I can be stronger. I just recycle it all so I can give myself more purpose. You feel the weight of your troubles, wake up the next day knowing you've already let it go emotionally - now you just gotta grind. Keep it moving. When I feel stuck that's all I can do next. Being crazy analytical helps in that aspect.

Think. Plan. GO.

I feel like going through my favorites on Flickr every time I want to express my current feeling.

I'm trying to go forward and have a plan like a good guy told me. I wanted to give myself time to be sad. However, it's still ongoing and the same thoughts keep coming back. Prolonged odd feelings.

Right now, I'm constantly being asked, "are you sure?" So many what if's and I've begun to question my plan. The car collision caused a series of cracks in my life basically...

Do you have health insurance?
What if you got hurt?
You don't get paid enough Gintel.
How much are you worth?
Why are you letting them take advantage of you?
You can't afford to live like this.
Do they really care about you, what if they treat you like Sha?*

I feel like letting out a huge sigh after just typing that, that's all my mom. I think I'm just not supposed to be set right now. I'm 21, right now is my rough period where I do have to struggle and get myself situated.

I especially think it's misconstrued because this is an art field. Very competitive. She wants me to go back to school like a degree will guarantee a job when it doesn't. I explained this and sure, there's academia bias - but your portfolio and experience trumps all.

Then again - I don't wanna be made a fool of and I really HOPE they know the value. Some comments I've heard have made me unsure if they even know what's fair. It's back it forth, unclear - bullshit, basically.

I swear I can write a book on internships to paid positions now.


* - Side Gallery Owner (who threatened to blackball me out the 'underground scene' - but said I'm like a sister to him..yea)

on another note: I know a lil' freak down in Hollywood, sucks on dick, does it real good...I long dick her like UGH. UGH. UGH.

and I'mma call her JJ, cause that shit was DY-NO-MITE

*drops mic* lol j/k...see how hard it is for me to stay sad for a minute?

2 steps back, gets worse before it gets better.

funny how certain songs remind you of people...

Confidence is hilarious. You can quote me on that lol.

Juggling 5 projects right now.

*puts my site on backburner*

You know, I really need a personal office. I just want a loooooong desk with cute shit on it, drawing (cartoon and realistic) books, typography books, iconography, a place for my old sketch books, magazines, good books..

...yea.

That's all I've been thinking about all weekend. A nice desk space. And I really haven't been getting much done because my mind goes right back to it.

I will today. I gotta balance out all the bad shit that happened already.

News of stroke, my sister got locked out her apartment (but my library card came in handy), then I passed a crash on the 110N. The guy was standing out the car looking dumbfounded while an older lady looked gone and was leanin' slightly out the window. I turned towards it for a second and got super tense and kinna turned up my radio to keep myself from thinking and wondering.

Iono my friend says I'm pretty solid when I see things like that - like I'm just like "oh" - very unemotional, he jokes about it lol. I just can't stand to dwell. Being very quiet from when my dad got sick, it's how I learned to deal with things without being a mess. Like I could think about the family and all but it wouldn't really help anything. And I remember hating when people gave me condolences for my dad. It just elicits a feeling like they know I feel a certain way about it, when I'm just trying to keep it together. I'm not a super RIP person when celebs or whomever dies for that reason. Basically, I'm a bad person to talk to when someone dies lol. Although I'll dealt with all that I still have an odd feeling about death in general where it's not quite normal, I think. I don't know how I should feel and seeing that this morning brought out this workworkwork/ignoreignoreignore vibe.

I just propelled myself to work and write all the write ups I have to do. I was just driving, thinking about all the shit I haven't done. Like wow...and you're not doing shit right now. I haven't really impressed myself in a long time lol.

Good that I think about it before my optimism officially blinds me. But it's weird that I'm halting tense thoughts and working so I can ignore it.

Cheap Monday


Irregular Choice


Urban Outfitters (kinna whatever on this, I just want a shirt or jacket with strong shoulders...still looking...may make it myself)


Sorry, forgot brand...but it's on Need Supply (too lazy to look)


AA


AA*


Top Shop


Aldo


*Let me just say that this fits GREAT. I have a leotard that's basically the same style... one of my favorite pieces.

ALSO, I really love these Alexander McQueen boots but I don't wanna tease myself like that. It's cruel.

Too concentrated on problems, we overlook solutions. Chasing a feeling and not allowing yourself to detail that feeling in small things. It doesn't look a certain way and you couldn't possibly imagine it.

Why are you so afraid of the next day, Gintel? What do you need, and why aren't you finding it in yourself?

You can do it without anyone.

Seek no truth in the next man, their eyes are gilded with ego.

Full.

fuck the other side they jealous - we got a table full of broads, they got a table full of fellas...

I'm bored and I got stuff to do. Don't you hate that feeling?

yeah.. I still have a bunch of cards I let my brother keep with his playing cards. He's not allowed to trade my cards or anything... just have them in his presence. I gotta redeem myself for this shit soon, lol.

( more embarrassment below.. )

him: a cali number just called me I thought it was u looking for a phone bone lol
me: lol wow
him: don't front u want it
4:36 PM
him: playing hard to get...
me: lol
him: trinna make me beg
me: lol beg foooor?
him: don't play like you don't know
me: i don't
me: lol
him: one touch of the tongue its a WRAP!
me: what are we talking about here?
him: just confusing u lol
him: its fun
me: yea, I over here watching Dora
him: and im making sexual advances lol
me: yea it's weird to talk about that at 4:42pm
him: u called me weird
me: segue?
him: (so when u wanna talk about it) lol
me: moreso the action
me: you feel that out
him: uh oh so ur half way "ok" with it YES!
me: lol, it's generally weird to talk/type about it for me
him: ys that?
me: unless it's happened already
him: im working on that point lol
me: ha
me: it's weird cause it's just talk and rather meaningless - just hyping yourself
him: it gives u something to look forward to
me: yea, I'm not a person who enjoys waiting
me: I get over things easily
him: hmm
him: need that kind of girl in my life!
me: LOL
him: I could send visual aids like show and tel
me: I'm coo lol
him: fail

I briefly discussed the difference in talking to older and younger guys with a friend.

Older guys rule. They have a certainty about what they're saying that's TEH BEST. Recently, I've been dealing with the kinna there.. but.. not quite conversations so it's a relief. Well, for now at least.

I ended the AIM convo with this video. So I wanted to bless this topic with the same.



No relation.

Besides this, I'm dealing with my nice attitude and making sure it doesn't make me too selfless. Yea, lol.

Being vague as hell is a gift, what can I say?

I've been really sick the past few days/weeks. I can't think of a time where I've felt nearly this sick or vulnerable (ek). I'm currently getting over it, but almost recovering has been apart of the cycle.

At first I had this virus in my throat and I was fine in the beginning. I kept going to work, tried self-medicating and not talking as much. One night my whole body was just hot. I was about to close up in the office and cleaning up. I had to just sit down. I joked about my body giving me a message to sit the fuck down lol. It was really bad though, my body was either really hot or cold that whole day. My throat started to feel inflated, it was difficult to breathe, congestion, etc. My mom forced me to go to urgent care. I..for some reason, wasn't phased by it. I knew I was being overly emotional at times so I guess I felt I was being dramatic about my sickness. (I was seriously crying over Wal-Mart commercials and shit this weekend...or whenever the Housewives of ATL premiered. I can not explain the emotional shit because my bloody mary doesn't work that way.)

I didn't take my medication the first day. I was worried about it's effects. I had to get logged into their book because my medication is used to make meth. No bueno.

I woke up feeling like a dried corpse. I paced around the house killing plants and small animals, you know the deal. I noticed there was some green substance coming out the corner of my left eye. Not only was that shit flowing CONTINUOUSLY but there was some white layer of gook covering my pupil and fucking with my vision. Not to mention.. my eye being pink/red and getting super inflated. Click on descriptions if you wanna see the goods.

My mom gets home and she says, "Girl stop being so dramatic that's just sleep in yo eye!" She was stressed from work and didn't feel like going to the doctor again, I guess. So, I'm just chilling with my stink eye, and other abnormalities. I decided to take the medicine thank goodness. Fast forward, my right eye fucked up too, lol. Both are fine. I swear I look normal again. See!

Normal. Well..kinna, I make weird faces in Photobooth all the time. Hobby.

Um, a friend also told me he was in love with me on Friday.

Talk about a dramatic silhouette.

Every time I see her pieces I'm in awe. I love the theatrical nature they have, it's amazing to me. I've had photos for a minute, but figured I'd post up my favs and gush for a second.

It really makes me want to go to a play. I've seen some amazing costume and stage/set design in Caroline, or Change, Westside Story, and the few Shakespeare adaptions at school. I miss seeing that.

I'm really thankful for Joy, the program director of MSUB (Math Science Upward Bound). She made sure we were cultured and took us to see these plays during the Summer. MSUB was a program that focused on inner-city schools. During the Summer we'd take advanced courses and stay in college dorms... focused on Math and Science, of course lol. I always felt I got into the program on a whim because I hated Math and Science. I just had a good GPA. I remember writing my letter to apply hours before the deadline. SO glad I took the initiative. Anyways... yea - Zoe Bradley was taking me there with her craftsmanship.

Had to divulge and show appreciation upon reflecting

Long, Long Ago (Word to J.S.Bach)


Recent


I have a goal to grow my hair until it accidentally smacks enemies in the face. I'm getting there, and I didn't even realize it! My friend was like, "wow, your hair is getting long!" It really feels like the same thing, everyday. I don't notice anything because I never really touch my hair for prolonged periods of time.

When I used to get my hair straightened, length was pretty apparent. Girls used to ask if I was mixed cause my hair wasn't short or damaged.* Now, everyone just thinks I'm from the Mother Land or an island, lol. One Black woman even tried to insult me by saying, "see, that's why nobody like ya'll!" An El Salvadoran dude told me she was going off about my Africaness to him. We both laughed at her drunk ass. Shame.

BUT YEA.

It's coming along and looking at old pictures just surprised me.


*my eyes are small too, ppl always ask if I'm high...may be a factor (my eyes were always like that, since I was BORNED). Also, my hair started to act up towards the end of my 'Press n' Curl' career.

Look Ma!

that was fun, video editing is pretty cool folks.

I'm excited...we must support our tall funny Irishmen.

http://www.tonightshowwithconanobrien.com/

I was discussing something with a friend.. and the subject of Barbie's vag came up. Didn't Barbie have a big ass pussy? I mean.. it didn't look like a pussy. It looked like a clever dick tuck. I wonder who chose that design. Shame on you and your dick-like puss design! You put it on Ken too! (Low-key...I was excited to find out what he had and VERY disappointed after..kid dreams.)

What a minute.
What the fuck.

I just googled something along these lines...

And I just saw a flappy penis with teeth.

It looked like an old squirrel. I'm so weirded out that I seen that.
Geez, man.


*shudder*

I'm listening to The Dream, my sister plays this song 24/7.

(This is basically a tweet.)